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12:03pm 25/10/2007
  you, yes you, right there;
I really don't care about any of that anymore.
That will never change. You're wasting your time.

and you;
please don't hold it over my head
it just makes it harder to say what I said.
it really took a lot.

and you;
who do you think you are?
Just get out of my life, make it easier for everyone, including yourself.




I just don't care like I used to.
But you cant make yourself feel something you don't.
and honestly, I don't know if i would even if i could.
Humankind has overall been a disappointment.
 
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07:23pm 23/10/2007
  today was my two year anniversary with Mister:)

As lame as it sounds,
that horse has been one of my best friends for the two most difficult and exciting years of my life. Lots of tears dripped into that mane, so much laughter has come from his goofy personality, lots of secrets sneaked into those fuzzy ears I wouldn't dare speak to a human friend. He is my other half. I don't think anyone else can understand what a girl has with her horse unless you personally have been through it. I can tell what hes thinking, what hes about to do next, he has a way of telling me whats wrong with him, or when hes in a good mood. He has a peaceful way about him that makes all my problems melt away. Nothing is better than the rush of the wind in my ears while he runs full speed across a huge open field. When I am upset, the first place I go is to the corner of mister's stall, and he always walks over, puts his big nose in my face and just looks at me until i laugh. He isn't just a pet, or my team mate at horse shows, he is my passion, my life. I trust him more than I trust most people. I can get off him after he gallops full speed around the arena, and trust him to walk around in a circle while a 4 year old pulls on his mane. He has so much personality, and always has me laughing. He is easy going, sweet and gentle. He has a way of fixing everything without saying anything at all. I found my soul mate of the horse world, and I know that for the rest of my life I will never meet another animal like him. I will never have a bound with another horse like I have with Mister, and its weird to me that I've only had him for two years, because it feels like I've known him my whole life.
 
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08:40am 19/10/2007
  I drove back to the old barn today
I don't know why, i must like crying my eyes out or something.


Whenever i step into that place I'm whole again.
Even though nothing is in there, its just so familiar.
It's my home, and I just cannot get used to the new barn no matter how hard i try.
Its just a building.

I walked in today and the wind was blowing old papers and stall signs around the arena
the stalls fell in, and old sawdust was swept across all the isle ways.
even if we wanted to come back we couldn't.
standing in that arena and looking around makes so many memories flash back through my mind.
I could just hear all the echoes of laughter, all the old times. everything.
It makes me want to run out to the huge open pasture and sit on the hay bales and talk
it makes me want to climb under the barbed wire fences and run around through the woods
trail ride down the street bareback and barefoot
sit on the paddock fences and watch the sun set behind the trees
fall asleep under the big tree out front while Mister grazes nearby.
ride outside under the hot summer sun with all my friends.
Or spend Saturdays at the diner before riding around the feild.

It was everything to me,
It was a place to go when i was heartbroken and alone, where I knew I could always have people listen. The barn itself kept us safe and warm, it sheltered us from the rain, and from the rest of the world.
It was my escape from it all. When i was there I was completely myself, completely free and happy.
and going back and looking at it so alone breaks my heart.
I cant stand that its going to be torn down.
It means nothing to those people.
Just like the new barn is to me, to them its just a building.
Just a bunch of wood and metal.
Just some broken mirrors, some crooked stalls, and a huge field.


they just don't know.
 
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06:14am 18/10/2007
  I need to grow some balls and just say whats on my mind.

i think?
there is a fine line between screwing things up
and getting my point across.

on the other hand, life has been pretty good.
the horse show was fun, i love spending time with those girls
I haven't been away to a horse show in a while, and its always fun to have a hotel room
and we even got to swim, haha. which was an interesting experience because we had to swim in bras and underwear. its how we roll.

I'm looking forward to thanksgiving so i can see everyone

Kate and i sat around yesterday an reminisced about old times.
it made me miss everyone that much more.

i started writing my life story down, at least what i can remember, and i got 10 pages so far.
its boring though, i need to edit it big time.

fabufbjafa nothing is new.
i just keep typing.
 
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01:17pm 15/10/2007
  this continuously runs through my mind.
its making me sick.



dont lie to me.
 
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06:25pm 05/10/2007
  If I expect a man no one can match up to,
then I never have to deal with having my heart broken.










I should have never let you go.
 
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05:47pm 30/09/2007
  all i ever do is run away.
why am i so afraid of everything?

it doesnt matter how good change might be,
i just refuse to accept it.




and thats what makes me wonder...
what if?
 
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02:04pm 29/09/2007
  We moved all the horses over to the new barn today
I walked back through the old one, and it was dead silent.
scraps of paper, old clips to halters, and broken wooden planks were all that was left.
It felt weird to walk through my home, a place full of so many memories, and watch it be abandoned. Everyone was cleared out, and it looked so alone.
I couldn't help but feel a little sad today.
We moved all the horses over to this state of the art barn, and left behind our little hick farm to be bulldozed on Monday.

So many memories are left there.
its hard to explain to someone how it feels to leave behind the walls of a place you grew up at.
Its not the building that i am so attached to, but the memories and friendships that have shaped me into who i am today. Its the things that happened between those walls thats hard to say goodbye to, although they will always be in my heart.
we are all on to bigger and better things, and it felt good to see everyone so happy today.
I know it will feel like home soon,
its just that fact that leaving that little farm on 27 makes me realize that time keeps passing, and things will always continue to change.

But that farm will always withstand the test of time.
Those girls are my second family, and they mean the world to me.
THAT will never change.
 
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02:46pm 24/09/2007
  you're breaking my heart.  
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07:23pm 20/09/2007
  after school today i went to the barn like always.
we are leaving in a week for the new barn, and they are going to tear down the old one the next day. It kinda breaks my heart to say goodbye, even though the new barn will be awesome.
so many of us literally grew up there, and there are so many memories.
my first time jumping, falling off, the loss of horses, new friendships, concussions, laughs, sleepovers, riding, running around barefoot, riding around in the tractor, sledding down the manure piles. There has been so many tears shed, so many laughs, so many stories to tell. Thanks to that wonderful haven, I am who i am today. I wouldn't be the same person without it, and all the wonderful people and animals I have encountered there. It literally molded me into who I am.

I have made memories and friendships to last a lifetime, and these girls relate to me more than anyone in the whole entire world. I have shared some of the deepest secrets with them, some of the most exciting, hardest and scariest times of my life, they literally have watched me grow into who I am today, and I feel like a sister to them all.

The barn, being the place where I met them all makes it hard to watch that land being developed.
there are so many echoes of laughter that lie deep within those walls, so many tears that are sunk deep beneath the ground, incredible companions buried on that property. It makes it hard to leave because of the memories.

Overall though, I am so happy to finally be moving on to our new barn. I know there will be just as many incredible memories developed there, and I am really not saying goodbye to anything. The memories will follow us, and the spirits of the faithful companions with always watch over us. My incredible horses are coming along with me, and after all we are just changing location, nothing more.


There is NOTHING i love more than that barn.
It is everything I am. It has made me, me.
It is a passion, a love, and a dedication I could never begin to explain.


I love you girls to the moon and back again.
You are some incredible people, and I am excited to see what the future holds for us all.
 
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01:51pm 20/09/2007
  I wish i could just let someone in.
I am still terrified.
I just want to punch myself sometimes.
Not everyone is out to screw me over, I just got to keep reminding myself of that.
Its just hard to think of what has happened in the past, and every time its brought back up, or anytime I start talking about it again, it feels like its happening all over.
I just cant believe people sometimes.
I cant see how you can deliberately hurt someone, and watch them suffer,
to trap them and know it, and not even care.

all because of what it will do for you.



Im strong, and I will get past this, i just feel so left behind,
Im stuck in the same place that i was when this all started.
Im too afraid to move on.
 
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05:05pm 15/09/2007
  duh.  
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06:56pm 13/09/2007
  fuck all you people.
you know who you are.
i am not a mat for you to drag around and stomp all over.
i am not a replaceable or "convenient" friend, when no one else will talk to you
i am not something that you can shove to the side, and then dust off the cobwebs when no one else will listen.

I'm sick of giving a shit about you people.
i wish i didn't care so much, because it really would make life so much easier for me.
i mean, look how easy it is for you all.
its a miracle that i still care after consistently being treated like shit for two consecutive years from a variety of people.

whatever.
there is a reason for everything.
im moving on, letting you go.
you lost an amazing kickass loyal friend, and i can guarantee no one you meet will care as much as i have for the time Ive known you all.

have fun with the party people
with the people you can make a name with.
and with everyone that just "understands" you.

what a joke, you don't even understand yourselves.



i really did love you.
i really did care.
i really thought that you felt the same way.

but alas, im played again.
ohh, little ignorant rachael
 
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07:02pm 12/09/2007
  so today

this guy told me that a ranch he has connections with in Colorado is hiring, and he would put in a good word for me if i wanted to send them my resume. they usually want to have the wranglers they hire work from april-september, but since i have my internship for the vet tech program this summer, the most i could work would be about a month.

so i think im going to call and see if i could possibly start off slow, and only work a month for this year, to see if i like it. and then i could return more year after year.

it sounds so awesome though.
mountains, trail riding all day, working with horses everyday for a month from 6AM-6PM, and free room and board, 100 bucks a day. dayummm.

It would be really out there and crazy for me to go off on my own a long way from home, but i think it would be an awesome experience, and i could see if they would let me bring mister, since hes pretty calm, and i couldnt live without him.

but we will see how it all works out.
i have to think about it.


on the other hand...
today i got asked out to a rodeo.
ohh, country boys trying to impress me with things i know they aren't usually into.
 
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07:40pm 11/09/2007
  grr.  
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08:35pm 10/09/2007
  i know what you're doing
i see it all too clear.



the worst feeling in life
is when you realize how ignorant you really are
and then you just feel completely stupid and helpless
and in order to never feel that again i just keep avoiding everything.
 
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09:54am 09/09/2007
  everything is so weird, and im indecisive about everything.
still.
some days im like, damn, i like all these changes, but then i change my mind when i remember ohh, about a year ago today. when everything was completely opposite, and i was really happy. not to mention completely ignorant to how much everything was going to change.

but things right now are good too, but in a different way.

i mean, everything school related is going good, and i like the new people im meeting
but at the same time, everything that was like this a year ago is much much different.
it just makes me wonder...

are the people im meeting now not really like this either?
blahh. i need to get out of that mindset.

on the other hand, I met up with a guy at a horse show yesterday,
he likes horses, and we have a lot in common, but im just not sure how interested i really am.
i think something is wrong with me.
maybe im just afraid of everything, ill call it existaphobia.
in other words, fear of living.

get a life raeeee.
 
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08:25pm 07/09/2007
  things are getting good.
really flipping good.

I met a boy
a country boy
a country boy that owns horses.





ahh
lovee.
 
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11:33am 07/09/2007
  i started writing my book!

its going good so far.
 
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01:14pm 05/09/2007
  im am sitting here in chem class, i know bad rae, listen to the teacher.
but i already know what forms of matter are, so i dont find it important.

anyway, i realized that so much has changed in the last two years, or even the last two weeks, that i never could have ever imagined happening. It makes me excited and nervous for what is to come. I dont like change, but in all honesty a lot of it has been good, or at least i have seen some of the good results of what initially was thought of as a "bad change".
i suppose thats what life is about.
taking bad and making it as good as possible.
im trying, i really am, its just that sometimes it breaks your heart to see things you thought would always be so consistent fall apart.
i suppose that just helps put everything in perspective, and when you do find the constants in life, you respect that a lot more.


i like to think im a constant.
at least i hope so.
 
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